Pinterest...my NEW best friend...research tool of your dreams

Months ago I wrote a post about Google and indeed you still need Google for many many MANY searches..but there's a new kid in town and his name is Pinterest !

What is it? It's a place to collect all kinds of goodies so you can see them and access them easily. Furthermore it's a research tool because there are millions of other people looking for the same things you are and they have already done some research for you..

Now you do need an invitation to join...I think you may be able to look at the 'pins' without joining, but to create your own boards you need to join. Send me a message with your email and I will send you an invitation.

I have done a ton of research already and you can follow my boards by going here :  pinterest.com/andreastieff/   or by clicking the button to the right.

My friend Molly set up a neat 'GETTING STARTED" guide http://mollywhitemarketing.com/2011/10/getting-started-on-pinterest/....thanks Molly.

Beware..it is addicting..don't say you weren't warned!
Happy Thanksgiving and happy pinning.

FLOWERS

My favorite topic and the one I know the most about.

Flowers are the finishing touch to any event and are absolutely essential to a wedding.

Back in the day, when I met with brides and their mothers, I found out everything else about a wedding BEFORE I talked about flowers..

WHY? because the location, time of year, time of day, style, mood, color,budget...all these things need to be taken into consideration when selecting flowers. You can't know how many centerpieces you need until you know how many guests you will have. You can't know what flowers to use until you know what color the venue is. You can't know what to decorate until you know how big the tables are, what the layout will be ..etc etc etc... It's a lot to coordinate. You need someone who has all the information , creativity and resources to pull your wedding flowers together.

THE BOUQUET- The first place to start determining your flower style:

 Your daughter will have strong opinions about her flowers .

 Her bouquet sets the tone for all the other wedding flowers. After the dress, her bouquet is probably the most important part of her bridal ensemble. As long as they follow the level of formality of her dress and the venue...it's her decision on what to carry.

Your daughter will be doing her visual research on websites like The Knot, Martha Stewart,  Pinterest,  StyleMePretty .  She is going to see the most exquisitely beautiful flowers on these sites and as they say,

" How'ya gonna keep'em down on the farm, After they've seen Paree?".

cindysflowerpatch.net

So What does the MOB do?

As the MOB, make sure you have done your homework.(Your well-organized daughter may already have all this info... you need it too.)

Gather all the information you can about your venue such as: what time is the set up, who is the contact person: names, emails, phone, address...Are there any other weddings/events in the venue before or after your event and how does that affect you? Are there any restrictions at the church or reception site? Gather swatches of bridesmaids dresses and anything else that will affect the colors you will be working with. 

Once your daughter has given you a basic colorway and style, do your own research. There is a mountain of information on the internet and it takes time to sift through it....she will love that you have spent the time to help her find the flowers of her dreams. 

Save all your research on Pinterest (  you need an invitation to join, so let me know and I will send you one). 

Create an inspiration board ...Don't worry that you love everything from pink to green, from red roses to daisies, collect all the images you like. Take all of this to your florist and let him/her guide you; your florist will find a common thread.

So how do you find a florist that is perfect for you?

Ask around: ask everyone who is involved with weddings, ask your friends, ask recent brides... you will start hearing the same names over and over. Once you have heard a name several times..do some sleuthing. Most floral designers have a website and a Facebook page. Facebook is great because you get to read interactions and see current work . .

REMEMBER, you should not judge a florist based on an exact wedding that they did, you are looking for someone who has a style and an aesthetic that meshes with your own. If a florist has done 100 weddings, not every one will be to your taste, because each wedding is done to each bride's taste. You are looking for an overall sense of creativity and professionalism. Once you see that visually this floral designer is on your same wavelength , make an appointment !

 How to get along fabulously with your florist..

• Be honest about your budget so that your florist can work with you to design wedding flowers that you love and that will work within you budget.If you've done your homework, you will have set a realistic budget that is aligned with your expectations..go read that blog entry!

• Be flexible: don't ask for an entire wedding of lilacs in November... There are no unscented gardenias...you cannot tape flowers to anything in a church... You may have to make some decor sacrifices if there is only a 2 hr window for set up. Some things are just not practical and your florist will help design something that follows your desires while maintaining sanity.

• Pay promptly and enthusiastically: florists need to buy all your flowers and pay all their helpers. Generally a florist will spend at least 120 man hours in ONE WEEK exclusively on your wedding.( 8-10 hrs a day for 4 days x 4-5 people) and that does not include meetings, walk-throughs, production meetings, paperwork, ordering .....Don't go describing the $7,000.00 Vera Wang Dress while complaining about the $300.00 handmade,custom bridal bouquet .Never EVER complain about set up fees.There is a crew devoted to you the day of the wedding making sure everything is right..there isn't enough money in the world to give you peace of mind and the wedding that everyone will be talking about. ...it is always of a labor of love .

• Do take advice from the expert. Give them your ideas and let them FLY!. A good designer loves nothing more than creating beautiful flowers and making you happy. It's as much fun for them as it is for you and their reputation is at stake every weekend,. Great floral designers  thrive  by exceeding expectations. 
• Realize that special event flowers are meant to be FABULOUS for ONE DAY...florists work like mad to make sure that your flowers are perfect on the day of the wedding. Roses may be left baking in a hot van to force them to open spectacularly {even if that means they drop at midnight like Cinderella}. When people say it's so sad that the expensive flowers were only phenomenal for one day, I remind them what happens to that delicious dinner at 7 AM the next morning!!!!!! :)

Wedding flowers look like fun, I think I'll do them myself!

DO NOT .I repeat DO NOT attempt to do wedding flowers yourself. Trust me!

Murphy's Law will be in full effect from the moment the flowers arrive at the supplier-or not- as the case usually is. The less you know about what happens behind the scenes, the better. It takes nerves of steel and good contacts to get what you need in a very short time frame. Florists are a well-hooked-up bunch!

I didn't do the flowers for my own daughter's wedding. ( full disclosure: I did do the bouquets 3 days before) 10 of my my incredible flower friends set up for the event and all hell broke loose when the loading dock was locked until 2 hrs before the ceremony was about to begin!!!!! God bless this seasoned crew for making magic happen with NO time to do it.  Makes me shudder to this day! THANK GOD I didn't know what was happening.

  Doing wedding flowers is very stressful,extremely time consuming and occasionally involves physical torture!!!! I once had a Naval Academy drill sergeant help me on a job and he was amazed at the level of physical endurance and emotional fortitude it takes to set up flowers at a wedding. 

Try carrying a 25 pound bucket of flowers up 2 flights of stairs in August...and going back to do it 10 more times!!!!

roses arrive like this....

  As for the actual flowers; roses come packed in a box with thorny stems and have been out of water for days. Every single stem needs to be cleaned and cut under warm water and placed into a scrupulously clean bucket , then monitored so that the flowers open perfectly for the wedding day...no easy feat.... and THEN they have to be arranged and transported to your venue in perfect shape.Your florist is worth her/his weight in gold!

Budget..that 4 letter word. So how much do flowers cost?

 All this having been said, you still need to plan the budget and that all depends on what kind of flowers you use, how many you need and what you want to decorate. Your daughter will be reading a lot of blogs and googleing prices... remember the websites give averages on average wedding.. and your daughter's wedding will not be average!

The actual flowers are expensive in the quantities that you need and you need LOTS ... but it's the labor to: plan, design, arrange ,deliver and troubleshoot that you will be paying for.

To get an idea of how much cut flowers cost ,go here . This site is a great resource to learn about flower types and colors

On a simple wedding ......I'd say start at $3000

On an up-scale wedding $15,000-$30,000

and on a blow-out wedding..the sky's the limit. 

...the reality is that if you want gorgeous flowers, done right...it's expensive.. It is worth every penny.

.. .and here they are after hours of work

 bunches of flowers that we worked with on my daughter's wedding


credits: 

Pink inspiration board from  
 http://blog.weddingpaperdivas.com/inspiration-board-pretty-in-pink/

Green  style board from http://thebridalcollectionnew.blogspot.com


happy florist hauling bucket of flowers and Sabine on a ladder doing a large arrangement in a tent:
http://littlewhiteblog.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/stunning-pink-wedding-flowers-by-sabine-at-g-lily/

It's all in the details

After you define your parameters and choose a date and a location; nail down your key vendors. Once you've achieved that..it's time for the fun stuff.  CAUTION: Don't try to get to into details before you have a strong foundation.

I am a detail maniac..it's my passion. Every day I am inspired by someone posting a photo of a pie lolly pop or a clever place card idea...and nowhere, can you let your inner 'craft-a-fanatic' self go crazy, than at a party, and especially at a wedding.

There are so many fun things you can do to make the wedding personalized. it's all out there if you know where to find it. Remember the post on Google!!?

I googled "green wedding", and "silver shoes", and "fun mens socks" just looking for visual ideas...ohh the sox were a real treasure hunt...do you know how difficult it is to find purple and green men's socks? plum and lime socks that's a pretty esoteric color combo, but the wedding was green and purple and i thought it would be fun for all the guys to have fun socks under their traditional black tuxes. Details details details
So here are some fun places to find inspiration:
Please see post about Pinterest...you can search for anything and someone has already found stuff!
great inspiration boards from Style me Pretty http://www.stylemepretty.com/

 Go here to learn about flower types and colors   http://www.fiftyflowers.com/

http://www.traceyasaidesigns.com/wedding_flip_flops.html

http://www.petiteparfait.ca/flowergirlvictoria.htm

Aligning expectations

"In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order."
Ahhh the expectations.... the key to wedding bliss ( note I did NOT say 'wedded bliss') is in aligning your expectations with those of the bride and groom AND with your vendors. The old adage "you get what you pay for" and it's evil twin "if it seems to good to be true, it isn't" ,are old adages for a reason. They are true.
When you envision your daughter's wedding and when she envisions her OWN wedding, it is most helpful if these 2 visions are similar. If your vision is of a formal seated dinner in a grand space with violins playing and her's is a field full of wildflowers with a bluegrass band, then you all better start some open conversations!  But let's assume you are roughly on the same page. Now it's time to choose vendors and get them onto that same page.
So where do you start? If you took my advice and hired a wedding planner, that person knows who is who in your town and can guide you to the vendors who most likely will fit your needs.If you chose to go this road alone, you start with recommendations from friends, colleagues , magazines, online websites etc. It's a big field of vendors out there and just because one has a big fancy ad in a magazine does not mean -well..anything. In other words, don't assume anything. Don't assume they are too expensive or that they are the best in town.
When asking people for recommendations, consider the source. If you ask your friend who you admire because they entertain lavishly, then expect that their recommendations will include top-notch vendors who charge accordingly. If you have a colleague who's daughter loves to cook and who is' trying to break into the catering business', you never know, she may be the next Martha Stewart!
Regardless, if your expectations align with people whose style and taste are similar to what you are looking for, then you are off to a good start.  But rememeber that each wedding is different and what your friend loved may be your worst nightmare!
Meet with at least 3 well chosen vendors for each category: music, food, florist....don't go interviewing everyone in town, it's a waste of your time and a waste of the vendors' time. ALIGN your expectations early. Do as much research as you can on a particular vendor before setting up an appointment to meet and write down what you want and what you expect. That list is different for everyone, so make sure that it reflects the type and style of event you want . {A special note about In-House services. Some venues have in-house catering, florists, music etc, which means that the decision is out of your hands. If you like the venue, you automatically have their service providers.} Remember what I talked about earlier regarding priorities.If you LOVE a space then learn to love the services they offer.


to recap so far:

• discuss what you all want and expect before your meetings with vendors, no one wants to see you and your daughter bickering in front of them!
• write down what you want ,but keep an open mind for unexpected,wonderful suggestions.remember these people are professionals and they do this every week and they can have great ideas.
• research your vendors by any means possible
• be open and honest with your vendors about your expectations and your budget. Don't be afraid that if you tell your vendor you have a specific amount to spend, that they will suck up every last drop..although they may have to ...to meet your expectations.
• be willing to re-adjust your expectations based on costs, priorities and logistics.If you do your research and find 3 vendors who have a style you like, and you find that all of them are higher than your budget, you may need to re-evaluate your budget. OR re-think your expectations.

Look for specific posts regarding florists, caterer, dress shops, photographers etc...i'll be writing more as the summer goes on. Been really crazy busy designing new fall line for my real job! 

Are you a technological dinosaur?

 I'm going to assume that you are online right now or you wouldn't be reading this...but, somebody could have printed this out and handed it to you...oh dear.

The reality is that you and your daughter are at very different places in your lives and probably in your means of communicating. You each bring something very special to the table:you have wisdom learned from experience and she has knowledge and capabilities that astound you. You need to be able to bridge the technology gap..whats all that about linkedin and facebook that she keeps talking about???

MoB, your daughter is connected up the wahzoo and if you haven't tried to catch up, NOW is the time.

If you don't have a facebook account, sign up..wait till you see all the people you went to high school and college with hahahah some doozies..but you have to paste your photo in too, so don't laugh too much! it's a fun way to see photos of your daughter and her friends so you know who they are when you meet them.

Learn to embrace Gmail and all it's fabulous, fun, functions so that you all can easily send links and photos and attachments of all the online research you've done.And don't forget IMing..great real time way to 'chat' while you are working on the computer.


One word: EXCEL  ,having that guestlist list in a spiral notebook does a whole-lotta nothing for nobody...you need spreadsheets..COlor coded spreadsheets !


If you don't have a smartphone-what's a smartphone?!- then join the 21st century and learn how to operate a Blackberry, a Droid or an IPhone, there are tutorials and classes at Verizon , ATT and the AppleStore. Keep the lines of communication open and be available, especially if your daughter doesn't live near you. 


Long live the text message..  typical communication between Lizzie and me thought text messages: 
Lizzie: what time is dress appt?
Me: 3 
Lizzie: r u coming?
Me: yup,c u there xox
Lizzie: xox
Short, sweet and to the point...unlike my typical ramblings.

Mother of the Bride...that's you! So how do you be one?

In doing some Google research for " Mother of the Bride" , I mostly found links to MoB dresses and  a few on 'duties' and 'etiquette' ..then I came up with this little tidbit from the Knot :

Weddings are almost as big a deal for moms as they are for the bride and groom -- maybe an even bigger deal. It is important for the mother-of-the-groom and the mother-of-the-bride to be clear on what is expected of her to help avoid conflict during the wedding planning process. First, brides and grooms need to have a conversation with their parents about money, and it is the mom's job to be honest. You will have limits, and you need to be up front about them. Second, offer your opinion -- but do not be offended if they do not take all of your ideas and suggestions. Odds are they will be happy you want to help out, but it is still their wedding -- you do not want to be a momzilla! Third, talk to your child about the guest list. The more you contribute to a wedding the bigger the say you have in who is invited, but the bride and groom will most likely be willing to comply with any special requests you have as long as it fits in the budget. One good idea is to give them a sample guest list of people you would like to include, but put a star next to your "must-invites" so they know which guests are a priority. Speaking of priorities, it is a good idea to determine yours. If you nit-pick every detail of the wedding, all you will accomplish is getting on the bride and groom's nerves. Instead, pick two or three aspects of wedding planning that you would really like to be a part of, and let the bride and groom know. As long as you are reasonable, the couple will most likely be more willing to comply with your requests. Check out the rest of our basics for moms for even more tips and advice.

ReallY? since when did the shift happen where the bride and groom are paying for and planning the wedding and the MoB is taking the way-back-seat? In very rare instances have I been involved with a wedding where the MoB isn't intricately involved with the planning. All the phone calls I get are from Mother's of the Bride who want to get together to find out how to deal with the planning.In talking to them, it becomes more than just how to plan a wedding, it becomes "how do I be the mother of the bride"?... In fact it is because of all these phone calls for help , that i decided to write a blog especially for MoBs...

 

So, in response to the above article from The Knot:  YES I  wholeheartedly agree that this is THE BRIDE & GROOMS WEDDING ,and while you may be planning a great deal of it and paying for most of it, it is NOT YOUR WEDDING. And YES, nothing will alienate you faster than throwing your weight around or making it all about you, the above mentioned Momzilla.You are your daughter's mother and you love her, you want what is best for her and in planning her wedding you have to defer to her and to support her decisions, even if they aren't 100% what you like...there is room for motherly advice and compromises and you can be the voice of reason, but ...ultimately it is her big day and remember, you had your wedding at least once before and this isn't your big opportunity to' do it right this time'!

BUT and this is a very important BUT, the wedding day is the culmination of your role as a mother. Sort of like graduating from being a Mommy . This is what you worked 20-30 something years to achieve: raising a little girl into a woman who is strong, confident,independent, loving and capable of starting a life and a family of her own. You did good! She is the incredible person she is because she had you as her mother, as her role model, her guide, her teacher, her strength and YOU are incredible! On the wedding day you are THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, wear your title proudly and embrace all that this title implies.

Now some things you your role encompasses:

You have to be the one who maintains sanity in the family...Your daughter has so much pressure right now that she's a loaded cannon.Even a funny look can set her off. Keep all the annoying, negative, jealous people away from her...you know who they are, oh yes you do!

Care and feeding of the The FoB ..oh lordy fugedddaboutit, he's a wreck because his little girl is getting married and he has to pay for the whole darn thing and all he gets to do is third wheel it to a lot of meetings where he has no voice in any of the decisions. Be kind when you break the news to him that this one day is going to cost more than a year ,or 4, of college! If you are divorced it's very important to remember that you may not like the guy, but your daughter may! and to make her life easier , put away your animosity and accept that he is her father and he is going to be a part of this..ugh , even if he brings his trophy wife to the wedding and she looks like a bridesmaid! 

Mother in Law,  you will now have a son..this was honestly the best part of the wedding for me. I HAVE A SON!!!!! and I didn't have to wash smelly uniforms and socks! Woo Hoo!!! You can never replace his mother, but you can embrace him for who he is and learn about him and respect him as a person and as your daughter's husband. I just don't get the groaning mother -in -law comments..why would anyone want to alienate their daughter's husband?? makes no sense. and likewise for daughter's in law... 

So keep in mind that how you act during the wedding planning process can affect your long term relationship with your daughter and your new son in law. It's all about attitude. This isn't just about how you help during the planning, it's about how you view them as a couple and as adults AND how you'd like for them to view you. In my personal experience I became closer to my daughter and her fiance by respecting them and by working to make this day special for them and by not adding stress to their already stressful lives...they loved their wedding  and they wouldn't change a thing.
 

The Bride & Groom  need your support 110% and if that means letting them make all the arrangements so that they maintain control,weelll...yikes!!..I'd hate to see them take that all on themselves but if that's what they want.... ..I guess that's what you do. ON YOUR DAUGHTER'S TERMS, let her know that you are behind her and that you are willing to do whatever she needs you to do.

Think teamwork. Hopefully they are mature enough to realize that this wedding is something to be shared with the people who love them and that it would give you joy to help them plan. 

Now what do you do if you have the exact opposite problem? Your daughter couldn't care less about the wedding and the plans..she'd rather go to the courthouse and use the money for a house...what's wrong with that? (We considered that option. But Lizzie & Bo decided they'd only get married once and they wanted to share that with everyone they loved.) Maybe they are only having a wedding because they think you want to have a wedding..who knows what people are thinking out there! COMMUNICATE! find out what they really want and respect their wishes.

OR what if she wants a big wedding and wants to do things they way they did it 50 years ago...Go ahead mom plan the wedding and I'll just show up...OY boy! You better write to me specifically cause there isn't room on this blog to tackle that one! hahah

All in all it's easier for everyone if you open your heart and your mind and let this joyous occasion be all about celebrating the marriage of your daughter and the man she loves.

That is what it's all about. That's all it ever has been about....My work is done here .

choosing a venue and setting priorities

Ok so you've battled through the preliminary guestlist and have established that you don't have to sell any major organs to pay for this wedding ( home equity loan YES!)  you now have to set a date and find a location. These 2 things MUST go hand in hand. If you love a space and it is booked on your date..sorry. If you must get married on a specific date, you have to find out ASAP if your preferred  venue is available. Flexibility is a good thing here...you may get lucky and you may have to compromise.


Most engagements last a year or more and you will need this in order to book your favorite venue and vendors. When I was in the flower biz, I'd get calls to see if I was available on a date before they set it...so humbled and honored by this. But this is an important thing to consider if you love a certain photographer or floral designer..or wedding planner...they can only be in one place at one time and you have to set your priorities...


Each  venue offers it's own set of pros and cons ;what's perfect for one bride would never work for another. I can't tell you that one way is the best way,I have my personal opinions and preferences but that is what worked for US, you have to decide what works for YOU.
Each wedding is unique. During the height of my career I did 40 weddings a year and each one was personal and tailored to the family. And each one was beautiful and meaningful and memorable.
  My other Daughter will get married at some point and i already know that hers will be completely different from Lizzie's and OH what a time I'll have posting my new adventure when that day comes


let's consider some scenarios that illustrate the how the priorities of several brides ultimately determined the choice of venue:


Bride A had set these priorities:

• Fall, about 1 year engagement
• Saturday night
• 150
• tapas style food
• DJ
• historic venue
• ceremony on site
•  wedding co-ordinator .

 The bride works with her mother so things could either be very easy or constantly stressful!
The bride always loved this historic venue Peabody Library which fit her guestlist perfectly, but the venue was not available in Fall until 2 years from the date of engagement. The family didn't want to prolong the planning for that long and they could have everything else they wanted if they could plan the wedding in 6 months, because that was the only Saturday the venue wasn't booked. Other options they could have chosen: have the wedding on a Friday or a Sunday or in the middle of sweltering summer, they could have chosen a different venue. Ultimately Bride A had a lovely Spring wedding at the venue of her dreams...this one is Lizzie's!  This one required full on MOB battle stations... my support group is unparallelled.


Bride B:

• Christmastime 
• Evening
• 300
• seated dinner
• church wedding
• orchestra.

This bride has 18 months lead time, but the bride lives 10 hr drive away from her mom and can't get back to town very often. Her In-laws want to be involved in planning , they are using a wedding planner.
Originally this family wanted to have the wedding at their country club, but the guest list was over 300 and they wanted the traditional seated dinner..the club maxed out at 266 people for a seated dinner so they had a choice: either switch to a cocktail reception or switch venues...then they thought they'd have a tented wedding at home but the logistics made them crazy. Now they are looking at several posh hotels
...I'll keep you posted on the priorities that helped make the decisions..this one is in the early planning stages.

Bride C:

• Fall
• Saturday evening
• 210
• cocktail reception
• elegant country club
• live band
• church wedding

The bride lives 3 hrs away from her mom and came to town frequently,They decided not to have a wedding planner, primarily because the MOB works in the wedding biz and didn't want to choose one planner over another.
This bride wanted to have a fun flowing cocktail party reception ,their venue was available and could accommodate their guestlist quite comfortably, but the cost for the cocktail party was sooo much higher than the cost of a seated dinner, that they opted for the seated dinner and redistributed the budget to allow for some other bells and whistles.  Needless to say it was a fabulous wedding,The MOB's only regret..she wishes that she had hired a wedding planner...for her sanity.




offhand, these 3 weddings don't have much in common..yet all 3 started with a set of priorities and employed the same tactic for determining the date and location: who,what,where, when, how.  The family decided WHO  they wanted to invite, WHAT kind of reception they wanted to have, HOW much they could afford to spend,  WHERE they liked and if the space would hold their number of guests, and they simultaneously had to decide WHEN to have the wedding, based on the preferred venue's availability.


It's a lot to juggle . Most Brides want to do a lot of research online while we, the  older generation, like to get out and see for ourselves and make phone calls. The double flanked attack works great! Whatever works..just get started as soon as you can so that you don't miss out on all the best venues and vendors. Once you get the bones of the wedding established you can relax for a bit.....




(info about venues is readily available wherever you live...just do some Google searches ,go to The Knot or buy some local bridal magazines.)