Pinterest...my NEW best friend...research tool of your dreams

Months ago I wrote a post about Google and indeed you still need Google for many many MANY searches..but there's a new kid in town and his name is Pinterest !

What is it? It's a place to collect all kinds of goodies so you can see them and access them easily. Furthermore it's a research tool because there are millions of other people looking for the same things you are and they have already done some research for you..

Now you do need an invitation to join...I think you may be able to look at the 'pins' without joining, but to create your own boards you need to join. Send me a message with your email and I will send you an invitation.

I have done a ton of research already and you can follow my boards by going here :  pinterest.com/andreastieff/   or by clicking the button to the right.

My friend Molly set up a neat 'GETTING STARTED" guide http://mollywhitemarketing.com/2011/10/getting-started-on-pinterest/....thanks Molly.

Beware..it is addicting..don't say you weren't warned!
Happy Thanksgiving and happy pinning.

FLOWERS

My favorite topic and the one I know the most about.

Flowers are the finishing touch to any event and are absolutely essential to a wedding.

Back in the day, when I met with brides and their mothers, I found out everything else about a wedding BEFORE I talked about flowers..

WHY? because the location, time of year, time of day, style, mood, color,budget...all these things need to be taken into consideration when selecting flowers. You can't know how many centerpieces you need until you know how many guests you will have. You can't know what flowers to use until you know what color the venue is. You can't know what to decorate until you know how big the tables are, what the layout will be ..etc etc etc... It's a lot to coordinate. You need someone who has all the information , creativity and resources to pull your wedding flowers together.

THE BOUQUET- The first place to start determining your flower style:

 Your daughter will have strong opinions about her flowers .

 Her bouquet sets the tone for all the other wedding flowers. After the dress, her bouquet is probably the most important part of her bridal ensemble. As long as they follow the level of formality of her dress and the venue...it's her decision on what to carry.

Your daughter will be doing her visual research on websites like The Knot, Martha Stewart,  Pinterest,  StyleMePretty .  She is going to see the most exquisitely beautiful flowers on these sites and as they say,

" How'ya gonna keep'em down on the farm, After they've seen Paree?".

cindysflowerpatch.net

So What does the MOB do?

As the MOB, make sure you have done your homework.(Your well-organized daughter may already have all this info... you need it too.)

Gather all the information you can about your venue such as: what time is the set up, who is the contact person: names, emails, phone, address...Are there any other weddings/events in the venue before or after your event and how does that affect you? Are there any restrictions at the church or reception site? Gather swatches of bridesmaids dresses and anything else that will affect the colors you will be working with. 

Once your daughter has given you a basic colorway and style, do your own research. There is a mountain of information on the internet and it takes time to sift through it....she will love that you have spent the time to help her find the flowers of her dreams. 

Save all your research on Pinterest (  you need an invitation to join, so let me know and I will send you one). 

Create an inspiration board ...Don't worry that you love everything from pink to green, from red roses to daisies, collect all the images you like. Take all of this to your florist and let him/her guide you; your florist will find a common thread.

So how do you find a florist that is perfect for you?

Ask around: ask everyone who is involved with weddings, ask your friends, ask recent brides... you will start hearing the same names over and over. Once you have heard a name several times..do some sleuthing. Most floral designers have a website and a Facebook page. Facebook is great because you get to read interactions and see current work . .

REMEMBER, you should not judge a florist based on an exact wedding that they did, you are looking for someone who has a style and an aesthetic that meshes with your own. If a florist has done 100 weddings, not every one will be to your taste, because each wedding is done to each bride's taste. You are looking for an overall sense of creativity and professionalism. Once you see that visually this floral designer is on your same wavelength , make an appointment !

 How to get along fabulously with your florist..

• Be honest about your budget so that your florist can work with you to design wedding flowers that you love and that will work within you budget.If you've done your homework, you will have set a realistic budget that is aligned with your expectations..go read that blog entry!

• Be flexible: don't ask for an entire wedding of lilacs in November... There are no unscented gardenias...you cannot tape flowers to anything in a church... You may have to make some decor sacrifices if there is only a 2 hr window for set up. Some things are just not practical and your florist will help design something that follows your desires while maintaining sanity.

• Pay promptly and enthusiastically: florists need to buy all your flowers and pay all their helpers. Generally a florist will spend at least 120 man hours in ONE WEEK exclusively on your wedding.( 8-10 hrs a day for 4 days x 4-5 people) and that does not include meetings, walk-throughs, production meetings, paperwork, ordering .....Don't go describing the $7,000.00 Vera Wang Dress while complaining about the $300.00 handmade,custom bridal bouquet .Never EVER complain about set up fees.There is a crew devoted to you the day of the wedding making sure everything is right..there isn't enough money in the world to give you peace of mind and the wedding that everyone will be talking about. ...it is always of a labor of love .

• Do take advice from the expert. Give them your ideas and let them FLY!. A good designer loves nothing more than creating beautiful flowers and making you happy. It's as much fun for them as it is for you and their reputation is at stake every weekend,. Great floral designers  thrive  by exceeding expectations. 
• Realize that special event flowers are meant to be FABULOUS for ONE DAY...florists work like mad to make sure that your flowers are perfect on the day of the wedding. Roses may be left baking in a hot van to force them to open spectacularly {even if that means they drop at midnight like Cinderella}. When people say it's so sad that the expensive flowers were only phenomenal for one day, I remind them what happens to that delicious dinner at 7 AM the next morning!!!!!! :)

Wedding flowers look like fun, I think I'll do them myself!

DO NOT .I repeat DO NOT attempt to do wedding flowers yourself. Trust me!

Murphy's Law will be in full effect from the moment the flowers arrive at the supplier-or not- as the case usually is. The less you know about what happens behind the scenes, the better. It takes nerves of steel and good contacts to get what you need in a very short time frame. Florists are a well-hooked-up bunch!

I didn't do the flowers for my own daughter's wedding. ( full disclosure: I did do the bouquets 3 days before) 10 of my my incredible flower friends set up for the event and all hell broke loose when the loading dock was locked until 2 hrs before the ceremony was about to begin!!!!! God bless this seasoned crew for making magic happen with NO time to do it.  Makes me shudder to this day! THANK GOD I didn't know what was happening.

  Doing wedding flowers is very stressful,extremely time consuming and occasionally involves physical torture!!!! I once had a Naval Academy drill sergeant help me on a job and he was amazed at the level of physical endurance and emotional fortitude it takes to set up flowers at a wedding. 

Try carrying a 25 pound bucket of flowers up 2 flights of stairs in August...and going back to do it 10 more times!!!!

roses arrive like this....

  As for the actual flowers; roses come packed in a box with thorny stems and have been out of water for days. Every single stem needs to be cleaned and cut under warm water and placed into a scrupulously clean bucket , then monitored so that the flowers open perfectly for the wedding day...no easy feat.... and THEN they have to be arranged and transported to your venue in perfect shape.Your florist is worth her/his weight in gold!

Budget..that 4 letter word. So how much do flowers cost?

 All this having been said, you still need to plan the budget and that all depends on what kind of flowers you use, how many you need and what you want to decorate. Your daughter will be reading a lot of blogs and googleing prices... remember the websites give averages on average wedding.. and your daughter's wedding will not be average!

The actual flowers are expensive in the quantities that you need and you need LOTS ... but it's the labor to: plan, design, arrange ,deliver and troubleshoot that you will be paying for.

To get an idea of how much cut flowers cost ,go here . This site is a great resource to learn about flower types and colors

On a simple wedding ......I'd say start at $3000

On an up-scale wedding $15,000-$30,000

and on a blow-out wedding..the sky's the limit. 

...the reality is that if you want gorgeous flowers, done right...it's expensive.. It is worth every penny.

.. .and here they are after hours of work

 bunches of flowers that we worked with on my daughter's wedding


credits: 

Pink inspiration board from  
 http://blog.weddingpaperdivas.com/inspiration-board-pretty-in-pink/

Green  style board from http://thebridalcollectionnew.blogspot.com


happy florist hauling bucket of flowers and Sabine on a ladder doing a large arrangement in a tent:
http://littlewhiteblog.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/stunning-pink-wedding-flowers-by-sabine-at-g-lily/

It's all in the details

After you define your parameters and choose a date and a location; nail down your key vendors. Once you've achieved that..it's time for the fun stuff.  CAUTION: Don't try to get to into details before you have a strong foundation.

I am a detail maniac..it's my passion. Every day I am inspired by someone posting a photo of a pie lolly pop or a clever place card idea...and nowhere, can you let your inner 'craft-a-fanatic' self go crazy, than at a party, and especially at a wedding.

There are so many fun things you can do to make the wedding personalized. it's all out there if you know where to find it. Remember the post on Google!!?

I googled "green wedding", and "silver shoes", and "fun mens socks" just looking for visual ideas...ohh the sox were a real treasure hunt...do you know how difficult it is to find purple and green men's socks? plum and lime socks that's a pretty esoteric color combo, but the wedding was green and purple and i thought it would be fun for all the guys to have fun socks under their traditional black tuxes. Details details details
So here are some fun places to find inspiration:
Please see post about Pinterest...you can search for anything and someone has already found stuff!
great inspiration boards from Style me Pretty http://www.stylemepretty.com/

 Go here to learn about flower types and colors   http://www.fiftyflowers.com/

http://www.traceyasaidesigns.com/wedding_flip_flops.html

http://www.petiteparfait.ca/flowergirlvictoria.htm

Aligning expectations

"In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order."
Ahhh the expectations.... the key to wedding bliss ( note I did NOT say 'wedded bliss') is in aligning your expectations with those of the bride and groom AND with your vendors. The old adage "you get what you pay for" and it's evil twin "if it seems to good to be true, it isn't" ,are old adages for a reason. They are true.
When you envision your daughter's wedding and when she envisions her OWN wedding, it is most helpful if these 2 visions are similar. If your vision is of a formal seated dinner in a grand space with violins playing and her's is a field full of wildflowers with a bluegrass band, then you all better start some open conversations!  But let's assume you are roughly on the same page. Now it's time to choose vendors and get them onto that same page.
So where do you start? If you took my advice and hired a wedding planner, that person knows who is who in your town and can guide you to the vendors who most likely will fit your needs.If you chose to go this road alone, you start with recommendations from friends, colleagues , magazines, online websites etc. It's a big field of vendors out there and just because one has a big fancy ad in a magazine does not mean -well..anything. In other words, don't assume anything. Don't assume they are too expensive or that they are the best in town.
When asking people for recommendations, consider the source. If you ask your friend who you admire because they entertain lavishly, then expect that their recommendations will include top-notch vendors who charge accordingly. If you have a colleague who's daughter loves to cook and who is' trying to break into the catering business', you never know, she may be the next Martha Stewart!
Regardless, if your expectations align with people whose style and taste are similar to what you are looking for, then you are off to a good start.  But rememeber that each wedding is different and what your friend loved may be your worst nightmare!
Meet with at least 3 well chosen vendors for each category: music, food, florist....don't go interviewing everyone in town, it's a waste of your time and a waste of the vendors' time. ALIGN your expectations early. Do as much research as you can on a particular vendor before setting up an appointment to meet and write down what you want and what you expect. That list is different for everyone, so make sure that it reflects the type and style of event you want . {A special note about In-House services. Some venues have in-house catering, florists, music etc, which means that the decision is out of your hands. If you like the venue, you automatically have their service providers.} Remember what I talked about earlier regarding priorities.If you LOVE a space then learn to love the services they offer.


to recap so far:

• discuss what you all want and expect before your meetings with vendors, no one wants to see you and your daughter bickering in front of them!
• write down what you want ,but keep an open mind for unexpected,wonderful suggestions.remember these people are professionals and they do this every week and they can have great ideas.
• research your vendors by any means possible
• be open and honest with your vendors about your expectations and your budget. Don't be afraid that if you tell your vendor you have a specific amount to spend, that they will suck up every last drop..although they may have to ...to meet your expectations.
• be willing to re-adjust your expectations based on costs, priorities and logistics.If you do your research and find 3 vendors who have a style you like, and you find that all of them are higher than your budget, you may need to re-evaluate your budget. OR re-think your expectations.

Look for specific posts regarding florists, caterer, dress shops, photographers etc...i'll be writing more as the summer goes on. Been really crazy busy designing new fall line for my real job! 

Are you a technological dinosaur?

 I'm going to assume that you are online right now or you wouldn't be reading this...but, somebody could have printed this out and handed it to you...oh dear.

The reality is that you and your daughter are at very different places in your lives and probably in your means of communicating. You each bring something very special to the table:you have wisdom learned from experience and she has knowledge and capabilities that astound you. You need to be able to bridge the technology gap..whats all that about linkedin and facebook that she keeps talking about???

MoB, your daughter is connected up the wahzoo and if you haven't tried to catch up, NOW is the time.

If you don't have a facebook account, sign up..wait till you see all the people you went to high school and college with hahahah some doozies..but you have to paste your photo in too, so don't laugh too much! it's a fun way to see photos of your daughter and her friends so you know who they are when you meet them.

Learn to embrace Gmail and all it's fabulous, fun, functions so that you all can easily send links and photos and attachments of all the online research you've done.And don't forget IMing..great real time way to 'chat' while you are working on the computer.


One word: EXCEL  ,having that guestlist list in a spiral notebook does a whole-lotta nothing for nobody...you need spreadsheets..COlor coded spreadsheets !


If you don't have a smartphone-what's a smartphone?!- then join the 21st century and learn how to operate a Blackberry, a Droid or an IPhone, there are tutorials and classes at Verizon , ATT and the AppleStore. Keep the lines of communication open and be available, especially if your daughter doesn't live near you. 


Long live the text message..  typical communication between Lizzie and me thought text messages: 
Lizzie: what time is dress appt?
Me: 3 
Lizzie: r u coming?
Me: yup,c u there xox
Lizzie: xox
Short, sweet and to the point...unlike my typical ramblings.

Mother of the Bride...that's you! So how do you be one?

In doing some Google research for " Mother of the Bride" , I mostly found links to MoB dresses and  a few on 'duties' and 'etiquette' ..then I came up with this little tidbit from the Knot :

Weddings are almost as big a deal for moms as they are for the bride and groom -- maybe an even bigger deal. It is important for the mother-of-the-groom and the mother-of-the-bride to be clear on what is expected of her to help avoid conflict during the wedding planning process. First, brides and grooms need to have a conversation with their parents about money, and it is the mom's job to be honest. You will have limits, and you need to be up front about them. Second, offer your opinion -- but do not be offended if they do not take all of your ideas and suggestions. Odds are they will be happy you want to help out, but it is still their wedding -- you do not want to be a momzilla! Third, talk to your child about the guest list. The more you contribute to a wedding the bigger the say you have in who is invited, but the bride and groom will most likely be willing to comply with any special requests you have as long as it fits in the budget. One good idea is to give them a sample guest list of people you would like to include, but put a star next to your "must-invites" so they know which guests are a priority. Speaking of priorities, it is a good idea to determine yours. If you nit-pick every detail of the wedding, all you will accomplish is getting on the bride and groom's nerves. Instead, pick two or three aspects of wedding planning that you would really like to be a part of, and let the bride and groom know. As long as you are reasonable, the couple will most likely be more willing to comply with your requests. Check out the rest of our basics for moms for even more tips and advice.

ReallY? since when did the shift happen where the bride and groom are paying for and planning the wedding and the MoB is taking the way-back-seat? In very rare instances have I been involved with a wedding where the MoB isn't intricately involved with the planning. All the phone calls I get are from Mother's of the Bride who want to get together to find out how to deal with the planning.In talking to them, it becomes more than just how to plan a wedding, it becomes "how do I be the mother of the bride"?... In fact it is because of all these phone calls for help , that i decided to write a blog especially for MoBs...

 

So, in response to the above article from The Knot:  YES I  wholeheartedly agree that this is THE BRIDE & GROOMS WEDDING ,and while you may be planning a great deal of it and paying for most of it, it is NOT YOUR WEDDING. And YES, nothing will alienate you faster than throwing your weight around or making it all about you, the above mentioned Momzilla.You are your daughter's mother and you love her, you want what is best for her and in planning her wedding you have to defer to her and to support her decisions, even if they aren't 100% what you like...there is room for motherly advice and compromises and you can be the voice of reason, but ...ultimately it is her big day and remember, you had your wedding at least once before and this isn't your big opportunity to' do it right this time'!

BUT and this is a very important BUT, the wedding day is the culmination of your role as a mother. Sort of like graduating from being a Mommy . This is what you worked 20-30 something years to achieve: raising a little girl into a woman who is strong, confident,independent, loving and capable of starting a life and a family of her own. You did good! She is the incredible person she is because she had you as her mother, as her role model, her guide, her teacher, her strength and YOU are incredible! On the wedding day you are THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, wear your title proudly and embrace all that this title implies.

Now some things you your role encompasses:

You have to be the one who maintains sanity in the family...Your daughter has so much pressure right now that she's a loaded cannon.Even a funny look can set her off. Keep all the annoying, negative, jealous people away from her...you know who they are, oh yes you do!

Care and feeding of the The FoB ..oh lordy fugedddaboutit, he's a wreck because his little girl is getting married and he has to pay for the whole darn thing and all he gets to do is third wheel it to a lot of meetings where he has no voice in any of the decisions. Be kind when you break the news to him that this one day is going to cost more than a year ,or 4, of college! If you are divorced it's very important to remember that you may not like the guy, but your daughter may! and to make her life easier , put away your animosity and accept that he is her father and he is going to be a part of this..ugh , even if he brings his trophy wife to the wedding and she looks like a bridesmaid! 

Mother in Law,  you will now have a son..this was honestly the best part of the wedding for me. I HAVE A SON!!!!! and I didn't have to wash smelly uniforms and socks! Woo Hoo!!! You can never replace his mother, but you can embrace him for who he is and learn about him and respect him as a person and as your daughter's husband. I just don't get the groaning mother -in -law comments..why would anyone want to alienate their daughter's husband?? makes no sense. and likewise for daughter's in law... 

So keep in mind that how you act during the wedding planning process can affect your long term relationship with your daughter and your new son in law. It's all about attitude. This isn't just about how you help during the planning, it's about how you view them as a couple and as adults AND how you'd like for them to view you. In my personal experience I became closer to my daughter and her fiance by respecting them and by working to make this day special for them and by not adding stress to their already stressful lives...they loved their wedding  and they wouldn't change a thing.
 

The Bride & Groom  need your support 110% and if that means letting them make all the arrangements so that they maintain control,weelll...yikes!!..I'd hate to see them take that all on themselves but if that's what they want.... ..I guess that's what you do. ON YOUR DAUGHTER'S TERMS, let her know that you are behind her and that you are willing to do whatever she needs you to do.

Think teamwork. Hopefully they are mature enough to realize that this wedding is something to be shared with the people who love them and that it would give you joy to help them plan. 

Now what do you do if you have the exact opposite problem? Your daughter couldn't care less about the wedding and the plans..she'd rather go to the courthouse and use the money for a house...what's wrong with that? (We considered that option. But Lizzie & Bo decided they'd only get married once and they wanted to share that with everyone they loved.) Maybe they are only having a wedding because they think you want to have a wedding..who knows what people are thinking out there! COMMUNICATE! find out what they really want and respect their wishes.

OR what if she wants a big wedding and wants to do things they way they did it 50 years ago...Go ahead mom plan the wedding and I'll just show up...OY boy! You better write to me specifically cause there isn't room on this blog to tackle that one! hahah

All in all it's easier for everyone if you open your heart and your mind and let this joyous occasion be all about celebrating the marriage of your daughter and the man she loves.

That is what it's all about. That's all it ever has been about....My work is done here .

choosing a venue and setting priorities

Ok so you've battled through the preliminary guestlist and have established that you don't have to sell any major organs to pay for this wedding ( home equity loan YES!)  you now have to set a date and find a location. These 2 things MUST go hand in hand. If you love a space and it is booked on your date..sorry. If you must get married on a specific date, you have to find out ASAP if your preferred  venue is available. Flexibility is a good thing here...you may get lucky and you may have to compromise.


Most engagements last a year or more and you will need this in order to book your favorite venue and vendors. When I was in the flower biz, I'd get calls to see if I was available on a date before they set it...so humbled and honored by this. But this is an important thing to consider if you love a certain photographer or floral designer..or wedding planner...they can only be in one place at one time and you have to set your priorities...


Each  venue offers it's own set of pros and cons ;what's perfect for one bride would never work for another. I can't tell you that one way is the best way,I have my personal opinions and preferences but that is what worked for US, you have to decide what works for YOU.
Each wedding is unique. During the height of my career I did 40 weddings a year and each one was personal and tailored to the family. And each one was beautiful and meaningful and memorable.
  My other Daughter will get married at some point and i already know that hers will be completely different from Lizzie's and OH what a time I'll have posting my new adventure when that day comes


let's consider some scenarios that illustrate the how the priorities of several brides ultimately determined the choice of venue:


Bride A had set these priorities:

• Fall, about 1 year engagement
• Saturday night
• 150
• tapas style food
• DJ
• historic venue
• ceremony on site
•  wedding co-ordinator .

 The bride works with her mother so things could either be very easy or constantly stressful!
The bride always loved this historic venue Peabody Library which fit her guestlist perfectly, but the venue was not available in Fall until 2 years from the date of engagement. The family didn't want to prolong the planning for that long and they could have everything else they wanted if they could plan the wedding in 6 months, because that was the only Saturday the venue wasn't booked. Other options they could have chosen: have the wedding on a Friday or a Sunday or in the middle of sweltering summer, they could have chosen a different venue. Ultimately Bride A had a lovely Spring wedding at the venue of her dreams...this one is Lizzie's!  This one required full on MOB battle stations... my support group is unparallelled.


Bride B:

• Christmastime 
• Evening
• 300
• seated dinner
• church wedding
• orchestra.

This bride has 18 months lead time, but the bride lives 10 hr drive away from her mom and can't get back to town very often. Her In-laws want to be involved in planning , they are using a wedding planner.
Originally this family wanted to have the wedding at their country club, but the guest list was over 300 and they wanted the traditional seated dinner..the club maxed out at 266 people for a seated dinner so they had a choice: either switch to a cocktail reception or switch venues...then they thought they'd have a tented wedding at home but the logistics made them crazy. Now they are looking at several posh hotels
...I'll keep you posted on the priorities that helped make the decisions..this one is in the early planning stages.

Bride C:

• Fall
• Saturday evening
• 210
• cocktail reception
• elegant country club
• live band
• church wedding

The bride lives 3 hrs away from her mom and came to town frequently,They decided not to have a wedding planner, primarily because the MOB works in the wedding biz and didn't want to choose one planner over another.
This bride wanted to have a fun flowing cocktail party reception ,their venue was available and could accommodate their guestlist quite comfortably, but the cost for the cocktail party was sooo much higher than the cost of a seated dinner, that they opted for the seated dinner and redistributed the budget to allow for some other bells and whistles.  Needless to say it was a fabulous wedding,The MOB's only regret..she wishes that she had hired a wedding planner...for her sanity.




offhand, these 3 weddings don't have much in common..yet all 3 started with a set of priorities and employed the same tactic for determining the date and location: who,what,where, when, how.  The family decided WHO  they wanted to invite, WHAT kind of reception they wanted to have, HOW much they could afford to spend,  WHERE they liked and if the space would hold their number of guests, and they simultaneously had to decide WHEN to have the wedding, based on the preferred venue's availability.


It's a lot to juggle . Most Brides want to do a lot of research online while we, the  older generation, like to get out and see for ourselves and make phone calls. The double flanked attack works great! Whatever works..just get started as soon as you can so that you don't miss out on all the best venues and vendors. Once you get the bones of the wedding established you can relax for a bit.....




(info about venues is readily available wherever you live...just do some Google searches ,go to The Knot or buy some local bridal magazines.)

Google is your new best friend

People always ask me how I find cool stuff and how I find out about everything..well the answer is Google and  Google Images. I'm addicted to Google Images. I'm very visual and it helps me to cross reference when i see a photo of what I'm looking for because it usually leads me to another photo of something that leads me to another and on and on it goes.
When i do research for a wedding I spend hours looking at images for inspiration and techniques and colorways that relate in some way to the wedding I am designing. I create color boards and idea boards so that my brides and I can share a common visual dialog. it's these details that make a wedding personal and it's what you see in the best wedding photos, magazines and blogs.

So as an MOB I was on Google overdrive. I looked at venue sites, caterers, dresses dresses and more dresses, shoes, photographers , etc etc etc..I need to educate myself on what was out there in every category and to find out ballpark pricing so I had something to base my estimated budget on. I needed advice about our potential date ( the night before Easter)
Literally everything you can think of is somewhere online, but i never really found specific advice targeted to the MOB, everything is targeted to brides..In my situation, my daughter wanted me to be very hands on, she of course became a little google obsessed herself ,but she know i knew what weddings are all about .We made a good team. She taught me how to find some awesome deals on hotels and limos...it's all out there!


some very important sites you need to know:
http://www.theknot.com/ set up an account for yourself and read read read. Also get the bride & Groom to set up their free wedding website here.its fun and informative for your guests. They have a gift registry too.

http://www.weddingwire.com/ good info on finding vendors and some handy tools like a budget maker

http://pinterest.com/ the visual equivalent of a kid in a candystore! of course i got totally hooked on here myself http://pinterest.com/andreastieff/

http://www.paperlesspost.com/ I adore this site for gorgeous invitations and notes, all virtual! I send beautiful notes to people and we did our last minute Sunday Brunch invites through here. There is still no replacement for a real wedding invitation in the mail...that is such a landmark event..putting the stack of envelopes in the mail and waiting each day for the piles of replies...ohh I loved that. But more and more of our world is happening online and for anyone under 30, email is the way to communicate...too hard to text message an invitation!

gmail : email from google  if you don't have a gmail account..get thee one! The labels are easy to use and you will need a filing system for all the emails you have pertaining to the wedding. it's easy to attach files, photos and links and it's the most user friendly mail client I have ever used.
Don't get all tricky with your screen name,use your name, people are trying to contact you and fastcatflower2285@...is not professional and who can remember that bulls--t!

http://www.myregistry.com ok so this one is more geared towards the wedding couple, but here is the place for the B&G to register for things that are not available at the big stores as well as one stop registry for all stores. Lizzie registered for paintings on here and she got them! And here's a tip to pass along..Williams -Sonoma and Pottery Barn are under the same family, so if the B&G need to return a gift from one , they can get credit at either AND if you register and don't receive the gift, they will let you purchase it at a discount for a time period after the wedding.. I don't have the specifics but good to know for things like furniture.


http://www.stylemepretty.com/  this blog has it all..advice, gorgeous photos of real weddings... DYI ideas, fashion, vendor search.. so much to look at and aspire to!

I'll see you again when you return from your online searching..it's addictive.

to Spanx or not to Spanx

I am supposed to be offering frank advice...so frankly my dear you need SPANX
i don't really care what you say or what you think..go buy some and wear them. They will change your life. Well maybe not your life, but your butt and your tummy..oh yes you DO have a tummy. My daughter is 6 feet tall and wears a size 4 and she wore spanx under her wedding gown...not to make her look slimmer- virtually impossible- but to make her look SMOOTHER...silk gowns are very revealing and even the most toned woman has panty lines and belly button dimples....and frankly my dears...you are not built like a 26yearold and you never will be again. Now if they only made Spanx for men!! hahahh
no way, they DO http://www.spanx.com/category/index.jsp?categoryId=3955558 oh man I wish i had known about this 6 weeks ago. Google is your friend.

The BEST gift you can give to yourself

Having been a major player in the creation of countless weddings , the one thing I knew for sure is that there was NO Way I could pull off the wedding without someone by my side. The BEST gift you can give to yourself and to your family is a Wedding Planner. Now that may seem like a funny thing for me to say since i have been in the business for 25 years and by now i should know everything there is to know..but truly , being on the MoB side of the wedding game is a whole different animal. For 25 years I lived and breathed weddings, I know just about everything that goes on behind the scenes from a decorating standpoint and I've pitched in doing lighting ,rigging tents,even doing cooking,sewing and calligraphy in a pinch...but I never had to bear the weight of the entire event AND be there to enjoy it. I always had amazing colleagues to share the joy and the pain and I have the greatest respect for everyone in the event community because I know what goes on behind the scenes the day of, the week of, the months leading up to, a wedding. Your vendors pour countless hours working to make your wedding a success, they are a team and you are their captain...but the captain needs a co-pilot and that person is your wedding planner.

My favorite movie character is Frank in Father of the Bride, played by Martin Short. He epitomizes everything that is misconceived about wedding planners, but he sure did have a vision.. Schvans, we must have schvans! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKFtRedJxTw And while it really isn't all about the cake, it really is all about allowing YOU to enjoy your daughter's wedding. Nothing is sadder than missing all the fun because you are a bedraggled emotional physical wreck from troubleshooting all the last minute problems that inevitably arise on the day of the wedding. TRUST me on this, there is stuff happening behind the scenes of every wedding that would make you weep and you DO NOT want to know about it...trust me! Every time you think your vendors are overcharging you , please know that what you actually see the day of the wedding is just the tip of the iceberg...months of work went into every aspect from the food to the flowers to the music by hundreds of people all over the world....all for you and your daughter.( You'll see what i mean when I start elaborating about specific areas, like the flowers.)

So what does a wedding planner do and why do you NEED one?
First you have to decide how much you want a planner to do. Some do everything including designing the event, think Colin Cowie types. While most offer many levels of service, don't just go for 'day of' coordinating...how would you like to be thrown into a situation that you had no control over and be expected to make sure everything turns our perfectly..this is unreasonable!!! ohhh on so many levels!
The whole point of hiring a planner/coordinator is to help you all along the way. To be your sounding board and your shoulder to cry on, and even your whipping post at times! Wedding planners should be awarded honorary degrees in psychology and be elevated to sainthood . Interview several until you find one who 'gets you '. Whatever money you spend on a planner will be repaid in savings for having someone to lean on , to guide you, to tell you frankly that white tuxedos are a big mistake that you will regret for the next 50 years. hahahaha   But seriously, you deserve to enjoy the big day and the only way to do that is to hand over the responsibility to someone you can trust. No matter how many times your caterer tells you they will take care of everything, will your caterer be at the church when the florist shows up to decorate and there is a funeral going on? Will your banquet manager know what to do when the limos get lost coming to your home? You want to be on cloud nine, not troubleshooting!

You NEED a wedding coordinator to help you

• to compare preposals and to review contracts
• to help you find reliable vendors
• to help you establish a realistic budget and to help keep you on that budget
• to be the go-between when anyone 'difficult' needs to be dealt with
• to advise and help you to make educated decisions
• to be the point person for all of your vendors
• to establish a timeline so the day goes smoothly
• to arrange and oversee production meetings
• to manage all the millions of details
• to be the voice of reality,"no you can't have the ceremony at 2 and have the entire wedding party of 8 do hair and make up AND do photos before the ceremony and only hire one makeup artist"
• to remind you to go buy Spanx..oh yes you do need Spanx
• to help you deal with the inlaws
• to be the buffer when you and your daughter start to but heads..it'll happen.
• to allow you to be the Mother of the Bride and to cry tears of joy and to laugh till you pee and to dance your butt off  and to hug all the people you love and to celebrate on the ONE day of the wedding...as you should. This is the gift that you need to give yourself,it will all be over in a flash and there are no do-overs.

Hiring a wedding planner is non-negotiable...period..end of discussion!  The MOB has spoken..long live the MOB.

BUDGET should be a 4 letter word

Nothing will stress you all out more than the budget. Fathers ( FOB) can be particularly out of touch with reality, after all they haven;t been watching Martha Stewart for 20 years and they don't know from The Knot. Reading through magazines will potentially give you false hope that this wedding won't cost you an arm and a leg. But be realistic, your budget has to match your expectations. If you want a seated dinner for 300 in a heated tent with a 12 piece orchestra and orchids on every table, don't even begin to fool yourself that this won't cost 100K or more.
Sure there have been zillions of weddings that don't cost a kings ransom and everyone had a great time...but I'm not here to tell you how to DIY for under $1000 and make it look like a million, I'm sure there is a blog for that. This is all about frank advice and frankly..weddings are expensive.

Now expensive is a relative term. For one bride 50K may seem like a phenomenal budget ,while another thinks that 50k will just about cover the decorating budget. Either way, there will be battles over where you put your dollars. There's a great tool on Weddingwire.com that allows you to create a budget and to keep track of things. I started that and decided that 55K was about what it would cost..and the final tally...ohhh somewhere around 70K. I just HAD to have those adorable hangers with the girls' names twisted into the wire and of course we had to have 40 pounds of Jelly Belly Beans for the Easter wedding and so what if the dress cost $700 more than we budgeted..it's the perfect one and on and on it went.
SO if it's so easy to loose control over the budget, why have one? Because you have to start somewhere and you will be expected to make decisions from the beginning that will affect your costs.
For instance: you fall in love with a venue that costs $6000 to rent and you have to bring in a caterer...you already know that your 150 guests will fit the capacity and you know that the caterer estimates that a dinner will cost about $100.00 per person, so you know right then that you are at $21,000.00 before flowers, brides outfit, photographer, music.....add on an average of 4K for each of these and you are now up to $33,000.Adds up fast huh? and these things are just the basics.
Again, i remind you that i am speaking of weddings that are of the caliber of those you'd see in magazines ..and these days, what brides see, is what they want.

SOOO all i am trying to get across is that you have to establish some kind of budget so that you can intelligently make decisions of where to hold the wedding, which caterer you can afford, what florist, music etc etc etc.. AND you have to establish this budget based on your expectations and your priorities. Is there any point in looking at Vera Wang when it will only break your heart if your daughter falls in love with a dress that costs $6000?

Next up...how to start the actual planning

First things First - the numbers

So now that you and your daughter have brainstormed ideas and shared your dreams for a perfect wedding, what do you do to get started?
The first thing you need to do is calmly tally up your numbers, and by numbers I mean the guestlist. You have no idea of what this wedding is going to cost or even where you can hold the wedding until you know how many people you want to invite. ( note: the rule of thumb is that +/- 15% of invited guests will decline...the reality??? could be anything, be prepared )
Cardinal rule #1.THIS WEDDING IS NOT A PAYBACK PARTY !!!!!!!!!
#2. If you haven't seen or heard from somebody in years, now is not the time to catch up. You won't have time the day of the wedding anyway.
#3. this is not a business party or your social life..if you want to have a party for all your acquaintances than have one..but don't use the wedding to entertain.
#4. If you can't pick up the phone at midnight and call a person for help, they are NOT your friend, they are an acquaintance.
#5, you may have a large family, but do you really feel the same about everyone? If wild Uncle Carl is a problem drunk ,do you care more about hurting his feelings than you do about his disrupting the wedding?
#6.Your doctor, your lawyer , your accountant..they are not necessarily your dear loved friends..they do not need to be part of your guestlist and they probably don't know anyone but you so .... are you starting to get the idea here?
The best way to control your costs is with the guestlistRemember that each person you invite ( and their spouse) starts to add up.. You will also find very quickly that venues have seating capacities and many interesting locations will not accommodate more than 150 guests for a seated dinner...
A wedding is an intimate affair to be shared with people who love and support you and the wedding couple.
So go bravely to that sheet of paper and scratch out all the people who you thought you HAD to invite and think about who you want to share this love and joy with.

Now what about the Bride and Groom's list and the inlaws?
The bride and groom no doubt have a ton of friends that they party with and who they went to school with. Luckily a lot of them are single. THEY CAN LIVE WITHOUT A DATE FOR ONE NIGHT!!! you do not want to pay for or have a 'date' attend the wedding. the 'date' probably won't know anyone and it is awkward all around, especially if you have a seated dinner..more on this later.
YES you have to invite significant others of bridal party members and any guest who is engaged may bring the fiance. If the B&G get harassed by a 'friend' who wants to bring a random date then you are officially the bad guy and you get to say no with impunity.
Once you see the B&G list, you can always ask them to pair it down using a similar criterion as stated above. Chances are their list will be reasonable and roughly equal to your list and it IS their wedding.
After you see where the numbers are, you will add a number for the inlaws,it should roughly be the same as yours. Don't get them involved quite yet though, because you have to find a venue that will fit your guestlist and your budget and you may all need to pair down your lists.
So now go and jot down who you think you want to invite and multiply that by 3 and you should have a reasonable number to start your venue search.....

read on

My daughter said YES!..now what?

Welcome MoBs everywhere. this blog is for you.
Before I begin, some credits : our amazing photographer for the photo above:David Mielcarek,  my daughter Lizzie for being a wonderful bride to be.
Now here we go.
49 days ago we celebrated the marriage of Lizzie & Bo. How we got from Oct 2 to April 23rd is an amazing journey,one that you are taking as you read this blog. Whether you have 6months or 2 years to plan a wedding, you still have to start somewhere. I will tell you about my journey and hopefully will help you with yours..
 As soon as we heard the news I hightailed it to the bookstore and bought over $150.00 worth of wedding guides, magazine, planning binders and books. I poured through them looking for ideas and information. Every bit of advice was sugar coated and wedding-dream-like..and i KNEW that was a load of BS! Yes I've seen incredible love and understanding, but more often than i not I've seen mothers and daughters ready to pull each others hair out. Brides in tears and mothers exasperated over the bridezilla that used to be a lovely person... budgets woefully out of sync with expectations and families so stressed out that they want to forget the whole wedding. This is supposed to be a happy time and YES IT IS, but it is also fraught with landminds everywhere you turn. it sometimes feels like Murphy's Law is in overdrive.
So how do you navigate through this????? Well you start at the beginning
The first thing you and your daughter need to do is frankly discuss her expectations. Consider it a brainstorming session where nothing is written in stone and all ideas are IDEAS. Hear her out-just listen. Do NOT negate her ideas...there's time for changing minds later...just find out how she wants to progress..does she want a long engagement, does she love a certain time of year, has she dreamed of a big wedding,a small gathering etc etc...get a feel for what she wants to do. Be positive so that you 2 get started on the right track and let her know you are respecting her as an adult-even though she's still and always will be, your little girl.
Let her know that you are there to help her and to support her. Don't get the "I'm paying for it so you have to do what i say" attitude. On the other hand, don't get your feelings hurt if she acts like you know nothing and she is ready to run the show! Just let her express all the dreams she has for her wedding day..reality will hit soon enough.
It is soooooo vitally important that you and your daughter maintain an open and respectful dialog..never ever let your egos override your love for one another.

stay tuned!